How I Cope Being Touched Out as a Mama

I am not a hugger, I've never been a touchy person, and I require the need of personal space, but I am also a mother of two little kids who thrive on being in constant contact with my body. I'd never heard of the phrase “touched out” five years ago (prechildren times) but now, it's a phrase I use almost daily. For almost five years my body hasn't been entirely my body. It grew and birthed two children less than 23 months apart for nine months each. It fed each child, it carries children (sometimes at the same time), it's rocks tears and tantrums away, it climbs and contorted into tiny cribs and toddler beds to calm scary dreams, it's used for gymnastics practice, and piggy back rides. My body is my children's comfort and refuge but I'll be damned if it isn't completely touched out by 6:45 each night.

This is part of the instructional books on parenting I read while pregnant that they are completely lacking information on. The feeling that you simply can't be hugged one more time that day, break up one more sibling fight, or have your hair brushed and bowed again. While you adore those little chubby toddler hands so much, if they grab your cheeks one more time, or grab at your leg as your trying to walk to the bathroom, you'll breakdown in tears. I feel if more parents expressed their feelings that aren't necessarily social media friendly than the guilt I feel at times for feeling touched out would be less stigmatized. There should be absolutely no guilt in needing some personal space, even from my own children. While I adore my children with every ounce of my being, I am also my own person with my own needs and sensory system that can be overloaded. As someone who naturally doesn't enjoy lots of touch becoming a mother has changed that, as that I embrace my babies and welcome the lack of space that they give for the majority of the day, but approximately 30 mins prior to bedtime each night after being home all day with them, I start to feel overwhelmed.

Before becoming aware of the pattern where I tend to become uncomfortably frustrated each night, I found myself raising my voice more, pushing bedtime up earlier, needing to take a five minute break before resuming bedtime routines. Some parents struggle with the constant demand of physical touch by their children that it affects their relationship with their partner. For me, I'm grateful that we both have a mutual understanding of how needy our children are physically. They are the kind of kids that want to sit with us, play with us, constantly be with us; so my husband completely understands when I say, “I'm done for the day” means in regard to the kids not him. But, the constant need for physical touch amongst parents can be detremental to relationships as well if parents don't feel supported and communicate freely.

I've started allowing myself grace for having the feelings I have. It's entirely acceptable for me to be available 12 hours a day for the kids to hop all over, play with, hug and sit on, and request the last 30 minutes for me to provide affection and love in other ways. I communicate openly with my family, “Mommy is feeling touched out and would like to sit on the floor instead of the couch, want to sit next to me?” I provide other options of how to provide a means to the needs they have while being mindful of my own. I reserve the last hour before bed as time our kids get to play with Daddy more than me. I have been known to disappear out of sight for a few minutes to enjoy a glass of wine or tea quietly, watch a show on my iPad, or mindlessly scroll through my social media; most importantly noting that those breaks are completely allowed as a parent. My own worst enemy is myself when it comes to parenting. My children will respect the communication I have and raw honesty about what I need and want in the long run, than they will having me yell and cry my needs.

This is my open letter for touched out parents, specifically stay at home parents; you're not alone and your feelings are validated! You were your own person before you became your children's person and while I cherish being a Mom, I also am realistic that I need to care for myself and my own personal needs so I can be the best Mom to my kids that I can be. The flip side of this, is I am fully aware that these days are limited and I won't be my children's number one source of comfort for much longer. Eventually my kids won't want to snuggle on the couch, play with my hair, and be around me 24/7. Which is why even on the hardest days when I am closing out each night with “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, I remember the advice given to me at my baby shower, “the days are long but the years are so short” and I push myself just a little bit harder to allow the extra snuggles while they are giving them out so freely.