How I Cope Being Touched Out as a Mama

I am not a hugger, I've never been a touchy person, and I require the need of personal space, but I am also a mother of two little kids who thrive on being in constant contact with my body. I'd never heard of the phrase “touched out” five years ago (prechildren times) but now, it's a phrase I use almost daily. For almost five years my body hasn't been entirely my body. It grew and birthed two children less than 23 months apart for nine months each. It fed each child, it carries children (sometimes at the same time), it's rocks tears and tantrums away, it climbs and contorted into tiny cribs and toddler beds to calm scary dreams, it's used for gymnastics practice, and piggy back rides. My body is my children's comfort and refuge but I'll be damned if it isn't completely touched out by 6:45 each night.

This is part of the instructional books on parenting I read while pregnant that they are completely lacking information on. The feeling that you simply can't be hugged one more time that day, break up one more sibling fight, or have your hair brushed and bowed again. While you adore those little chubby toddler hands so much, if they grab your cheeks one more time, or grab at your leg as your trying to walk to the bathroom, you'll breakdown in tears. I feel if more parents expressed their feelings that aren't necessarily social media friendly than the guilt I feel at times for feeling touched out would be less stigmatized. There should be absolutely no guilt in needing some personal space, even from my own children. While I adore my children with every ounce of my being, I am also my own person with my own needs and sensory system that can be overloaded. As someone who naturally doesn't enjoy lots of touch becoming a mother has changed that, as that I embrace my babies and welcome the lack of space that they give for the majority of the day, but approximately 30 mins prior to bedtime each night after being home all day with them, I start to feel overwhelmed.

Before becoming aware of the pattern where I tend to become uncomfortably frustrated each night, I found myself raising my voice more, pushing bedtime up earlier, needing to take a five minute break before resuming bedtime routines. Some parents struggle with the constant demand of physical touch by their children that it affects their relationship with their partner. For me, I'm grateful that we both have a mutual understanding of how needy our children are physically. They are the kind of kids that want to sit with us, play with us, constantly be with us; so my husband completely understands when I say, “I'm done for the day” means in regard to the kids not him. But, the constant need for physical touch amongst parents can be detremental to relationships as well if parents don't feel supported and communicate freely.

I've started allowing myself grace for having the feelings I have. It's entirely acceptable for me to be available 12 hours a day for the kids to hop all over, play with, hug and sit on, and request the last 30 minutes for me to provide affection and love in other ways. I communicate openly with my family, “Mommy is feeling touched out and would like to sit on the floor instead of the couch, want to sit next to me?” I provide other options of how to provide a means to the needs they have while being mindful of my own. I reserve the last hour before bed as time our kids get to play with Daddy more than me. I have been known to disappear out of sight for a few minutes to enjoy a glass of wine or tea quietly, watch a show on my iPad, or mindlessly scroll through my social media; most importantly noting that those breaks are completely allowed as a parent. My own worst enemy is myself when it comes to parenting. My children will respect the communication I have and raw honesty about what I need and want in the long run, than they will having me yell and cry my needs.

This is my open letter for touched out parents, specifically stay at home parents; you're not alone and your feelings are validated! You were your own person before you became your children's person and while I cherish being a Mom, I also am realistic that I need to care for myself and my own personal needs so I can be the best Mom to my kids that I can be. The flip side of this, is I am fully aware that these days are limited and I won't be my children's number one source of comfort for much longer. Eventually my kids won't want to snuggle on the couch, play with my hair, and be around me 24/7. Which is why even on the hardest days when I am closing out each night with “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, I remember the advice given to me at my baby shower, “the days are long but the years are so short” and I push myself just a little bit harder to allow the extra snuggles while they are giving them out so freely.

A Mom With Migraines

I have managed chronic migraines since I was in elementary school, learning to cope in various ways throughout various stages of life. When I was in grade school that looked like going to the school nurse to go home for the day. In college that meant, emailing my professor that I wouldn’t be in class that day. When I worked full-time, I utilized all of my sick leave and much of my vacation leave to sit in a dark room of my apartment in silence. Notice a common theme? Most of my migraine days through life involve retreating to a dark and silent room, without movement, and taking prescription abortive medication to fight the pain. As a mom of two small children, that is rarely an option anymore. While I have been fortunate for the better part of 1.5 years, Jamari has been teleworking for pandemic reasons, he isn’t always available to provide the level of supervision a four year old and 2 year old require while working. If still given the opportunity, I will take my prescribed migraine abortive and retreat to my bedroom but for the days that isn’t possible, and other parents scouring the internet for how to survive a migraine attack with young children this post is for you!

I suffer from migraine with aura, so I have a precursor that the pain is going to happen. The second that my vision begins to change into blurred, tunnel, or pixelated I medicate swiftly with over the counter migraine medication (Excedrin Migraine and Benadryl to ward off the nausea). I would fall asleep with my prescribed migraine abortive, so I can’t take that until I am able to guarantee that the kids can be supervised while I nap. If I am home, and a shower is an option, I hop into the hot shower and immediately apply ice when I get out. I put my headphone headband on (because ear buds would be too loud for a migraine) and listen to calming music or white noise under my headache hat. I own 4 headache hats and swear by them as my migraine tool. They wrap around your head or neck so you get ice therapy from all angles. Once I have taken my medicine, taken a hot shower, have on my headphones, and wear my headache hat, I am ready to take on the pain.

My kids have an understanding that when I say I have a migraine, their volume needs to decrease, the iPads are going to come out, screen time rules go out the window, and we are going to have a relaxing day. I usually set myself up in a central spot of the house that requires little movement for myself but allowing the kids to still play with their toys. For us, that looks like being in the living room where I can lay on the couch and the kiddos can move freely around the house with me being able to watch them. That’s where I ride out the migraine until nap time or bedtime whichever comes first. Before the pain kicks in, I set up a few things for my kids to do if they get bored of their iPads; a coloring station, the kinetic sand, some snacks on the table, and fill their water cups. I don’t worry about any messes that can happen, I’ll deal with it when I feel better. Audrey doesn’t nap anymore, but has a routine quiet time built into her day. She also is old enough to understand that I am out of commission and in pain, so she compliantly goes into her bedroom for quiet time while Maxwell takes his nap in his crib and I retreat to the silence and darkness of my bedroom for a nap. Luckily for me, my migraines last 4-6 hours unlike many people who suffer for 3 days.

Migraines are miserable for anyone who suffers but logistically a nightmare for parents. It is impossible to give your best to children when you are in pain, nauseous, unable to see clearly, and are audio and visually sensitive. It can also become a safety issue if you are dizzy, have no vision, or the pain is too intense to stand; on those days I succumb to not being able to do it and am fortunate to have a partner who understands that and either takes a day of leave or makes adjustments to his day to make things work. There have been many times that Jamari wasn’t available or home, and I had to call in a babysitter to assist. It is completely acceptable to admit your superhero parenting abilities require help sometimes and that you need to call in reinforcements. If it is something as simple as getting delivery for dinner, hiring a sitter for a few hours, renting a movie the kids haven’t seen before, or downloading a new game for an hour of silence; do it freely and without guilt.

Parenting with migraines is disheartening at times because I feel as if my children are being forced to suffer with me at times and not getting the Mom that they deserve, but that is usually the migraine talking. There is no guilt in suffering from something I have no control over, and I do my best to give them all of me on the days I feel healthy and well. The understanding of both of my children is remarkable, they understand that I have migraine days, and will not be able to do all that I normally do. That on those days, things may be different and meals will be likely delivered, there will be more screen time, I will be wearing my headache hat, we won’t have lights on, and I will ask a million times to “use our migraine voice”. Audrey has even begun setting me up with a bottle of water, a garbage pail, and giving me her own blankets as a source of comfort when I inform her I am not feeling well. Children understand much more than we give them credit for, and this has become part of their growing up. I have always been honest with them about migraines, the chances of them inheriting them are 50%, so I want them to understand that although incredibly painful, I am ok and I will be ok once the migraine disapates. I don’t want the event to be scary for them, and they happen so frequently within our life that they are very aware of what migraine days look like for us.

A few migraine facts from migraine.com; “39 million people in the US suffer from migraines. Women have a higher risk of migraines, more than 8 out of 10 sufferers are women. Migraines can be inherited, if one parent suffers there is a 50% chance the child will get them, that raises to 75% if both parents suffer. 9 out of 10 people can not work or preform daily activities during a migraine attack.”

Road Trip Survival

I’ve always been intrigued (slightly envious) of families that pile into the car and take a road trip without arriving in an anxiety ridden, hysterical meltdown, with divorce negotiations. Jamari and I are avid travelers, but road trips with two toddlers seemed daunting; truthfully, any travel with two toddlers is daunting. In the last few months our family has piled into the car for 11 different road trips putting more than miles on the car than ever before, with the longest trip being almost 18 hours from Kansas City to Virginia. Not only have we pushed the limits with the kiddos, but our “wow” factor is that we’ve also mastered traveling with Kingston, our 140 pound Cane Corso who takes up the entire trunk space of the SUV. So for any other parents who scoured the internet for tips and tricks to get through road trips with littles and dogs, I am giving my survival tips.

Prep for Each Arrival:

• packing cubes

• tote bag

• ziplock outfit packets for kids

• bathroom kit

I don’t pack for Jamari; but for the rest of the family I humbly add ‘professional packer’ to my resume. I utilize packing cubes and the kiddos and I each get a different color for easy organization and grabbing. If we have a multi-stop hotel trip, I pack a foldable tote bag so I can grab each nights stuff and toss it in the bag rather than taking apart the car every night at arrival, then I restock the next morning before leaving the parking lot. I do some extra prep work by putting the kids complete outfits into ziplock bags for each day. It’s easier to grab a bag with complete outfit (pjs, clothes, panties/diaper, hair bow, socks, etc) than dig around in the packing cube. I keep a “bathroom break” ziplock by my feet for grab and go bathroom stops, which has extra underwear, extra diaper, wipes, sanitizing wipes, sanitizer, and a hand towel. We use the restroom when we stop for food but other bathroom stops for Audrey are usually done using our little training potty that has permanent residency in my car. I put a diaper inside of it and it makes for easy clean up and no risk of hand foot mouth from truck stop bathrooms. If you prepare yourself for arrival at each stop you can be better organized.

Pack Light:

If you’ve been following us for a bit you know that Jamari has a rule when it comes to travel, “don’t pack what you can’t carry.” It’s unclear what age that applies to our kids, but it definitely applies to me. So I pack very light because I can’t carry much and let’s be honest, there is a big box store in every destination you go, or along the route. I only pack enough for the day of the trip and buy supplies once we arrive. This applies to diapers, snacks, and drinks.

Use Car Space Crevices:

Your car is full of spots to shove things that are standardly overlooked. Although potty trained, I prefer to put Audrey in pull-ups for long car rides in case she falls asleep. I use the space under the front seats to stash with diapers in ziplocks for each child. Seat back pockets get their shoes and their tablets and the glove compartment holds a pack of wipes for easy clean ups, sanitizer, and extra masks. Their blankets get folded into a packing cube I put between their car seats unless they are using them, and I put a soft cooler full of snacks/milk/water so I can grab things easily from the passenger seat. Each child gets their water bottle in the cup holder of their car seat. We don’t use toys in the car because I have found that no matter what the toy is, it lasts 3.5 minutes and ends up on the floor with tears because they can’t reach it. We rely heavily on screen time in the car because it’s a great distraction while strapped in and moving. I download content to their tablets before leaving, and change it at the next stop with WiFi to keep it fresh. Because of Kingston traveling with us lately, we have zero trunk space; so our bags go directly behind the seats. Maxwell is still rear facing, so he could care less, and Audrey enjoys having something to put her feet on, so no complaints yet; but I know our time doing that is minimal. That means, we usually pack up in soft sided luggage like a backpack, and utility tote (hence, pack light).

Kingston’s Corner:

Kingston is a big boy, so he takes up the back of the SUV. I put a crib mattress back there for him to lay on comfortably. I pack his food in a container, pack his bowls, and a leash. He is the super low maintenance compared to the rest of my travel comrades. The only issue we run into is hotels that allow large breed dogs, but we utilize Bring Fido for dog friendly hotels and restaurants with patio seating since we don’t leave him in hotels solo.

Snacks, Snacks, Snacks:

I always overpack snacks, but would rather have too much than have them screaming that they are hungry and I can’t find a place to stop. With two kiddos, I always make 2 snack bags per child so I don’t have to hear, “he has more than me!”. Car snacks are tricky with kids and I leave this up to your discretion if you allow your child to eat in a car or not. We allow it, so here are my go-to car snacks.

• Sliced fruit

• Plain pasta

• Tortilla chips

• Gold fish

• Cut up meatballs

• Cut up cucumbers and cherry tomatoes

I do my best to keep sugar low with travel because I imagine it would be equivalent for me having 3 espresso shots and then sitting in the car for 5 hours. I don’t need them more wound up than they already are about getting to the destination. And we always make fast food (which we normally don’t eat) a stop on a road trip as a special treat.

Strategic Stops:

We try to keep stops to a minimum because once kids catch on that you will stop the car every time they complain the complaining multiplies. For a 5 hour ride to my Mom’s house, we try to stop 1 time at the 3.5 hour mark unless a quick bathroom stop is required. Where to stop can be tricky on road trips with kids. The last thing you want a “stop” to be is through a drive-thru because it isn’t allowing them to get out and stretch and release energy. For short trips, we stop at a restaurant to grab some food, use the rest room, and do some parking lot stretches and a quick game of tag to run around a bit. For longer trips, I like to stop at a grocery store; grocery stores allow for the children to walk around, you can buy ingredients for sandwiches or salads, healthy snacks, and be the cool mom for the day by suggesting to buy ice cream bars and then find a park to have a picnic and play on a playground for 20 minutes before getting back in the car. Your chances of getting some car sleep after that is higher than if you ran through the Golden Arches drive-thru.

Give Grace, and Don’t Forget Yourself:

Road trips can be fun, and we’ve had our fair share of laughs and memories made. We have also had hours of crying, whining, and “are we there yet” being asked every 4 minutes. I try to remember that as an adult I get anxious and dislike being seated for too long, so my children certainly do as well. I give grace to everyone in the car, including myself if we start to get cranky. Sometimes a quick stop and stretch of our legs is a good reset to hop back in and change our moods. I always pack my headband headphones which aren’t loud enough to not hear the kids yelling for my attention, but loud enough to tune out Jamari practicing French for hours as we drive while I listen to an audiobook. As a Mama it is easy to remember all the things for the rest of my family, but neglect my own needs too. My go-to car trip necessities are peppermint oil (I get awful car sickness), ice water, my headband headphones, audio book, and comfy clothes.

So if you haven’t had enough family closeness with the quarantine of the pandemic and decide you want to hop in the car for hours of enclosed, moving car, family time I hope some of my helpful tips and tricks can be of use.

Teething Trenches

Maxwell turned one in July, and up until last week had two teeth. He’s now cutting 5 at the same time, and everyone is miserable. Audrey had a mouthful of teeth by the time she was one and I don’t recall her being so fussy while teething, so this is new for us. My smartwatch tells me I have slept 2 hours and 18 minutes last night, and the dark circles under my eyes confirm that. Between waking up in the middle of the night, constant fussiness, mild temperature, and drooling enough for me to consider attaching a microfiber cloth to him to consider it “mopping the floors”, I am ready for these teeth to come in, and so is he! I know there are tons of Mama’s like myself at 3 am and at their wits end searching google and blogs for ways to help their littles feel better so I thought I’d compile a list of my teething tricks.

Ice, Ice, Baby- When I have a toothache I crawl into a fetal position and try not to move because for some reason teeth pain is worse than natural labor, so I can not imagine how cutting 5 teeth at the same time feels. I noticed everything cold seems to calm him for a few minutes, so I refrigerate everything. All his teethers, cold snacks, frozen washcloths, frozen silicone reusable straws that he can gnaw on, and popsicles seem to ease a bit of the discomfort.

Hard Foods- He seems to be soothed with something rubbing against his gums; hard carrots, cucumbers, hard bagels, frozen pancakes, and rice cakes are our current favorites.

Tylenol/Motrin- I hate the idea of giving him medication frequently, but when the tears won’t stop and he is grabbing so fiercely at his mouth, I know he is in serious pain. I alternate between Tylenol and Motrin and use Motrin at night since it lasts longer. I usually take a tiny bit and rub it along his gums as well to apply it directly to the gum tissue.

Teethers- I think I own one of every teether on the market, and I can’t tell which ones work and which don’t. He seems calmed by one and bored with it quickly. He currently likes the silicone ones and the old school Nuby teethers. I find that he is most entertained and soothed by things that aren’t specifically “teethers”, like our silicone spatulas, silicone reusable straws, and a baby toothbrush. At this stage of the game if he wanted to gnaw on my fingers to help get these teeth in, I’d consider it.

Change of Scenery- When all else fails and I can’t get him comfy I change where we are hanging out with either stepping outside or running him a bath. Being outside distracts him for a few minutes, the fresh air, cars, and sounds allow him to focus on something else for a few minutes. Bath time is always a win with my kids, it’s like the magic elixir. The water is soothing, he can play with bath toys, and I throw in a lot of washcloths for him to bite on.

If you are in the trenches of teething, we are right there with ya’. Try to keep the frustrations of lack of sleep and constant tears in perspective and remember that this is a short season and it will pass quickly. Perhaps I don’t remember Audrey teething because it was so horrible (like labor) you forget it? Extra cuddles for babe and extra coffee for mama!

Leave a comment with your favorite teething tip or toy.

Love ALWAYS Wins

I don’t think I ever imagined that I would write a follow-up post on a blog entry, but here I am. Viral…my post went viral! I wrote my original post while I was at my dining room table and was mad as hell after someone yelled “you’re disgusting” into my window from the sidewalk while I was feeding my children breakfast. Fast forward…and I just wrapped up an interview with Martha Raddatz in my backyard. I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of support and dialogue that my post has generated.

My blog was a safe space for me to journal, I am by no means a “blogger” (well, I suppose now I am), rather a SAHM who would journal things that interested me. Before my last entry, I am sure the majority of my page views were from my mom refreshing her screen. That being said, the overwhelming amount my post has been shared (over 10k times!) and the attention this has received is something both Jamari and I are trying to process. We were tossed into the limelight when I hit submit on my post, and without us realizing it our faces are now on thousands of screens across the country and world (thanks FS community!). We are grateful! Grateful for this opportunity to not only share our story, but open the conversation between individuals that feel that racism is a non-issue, for people to share similar stories to ours, and to bring awareness to a very, VERY concerning talking point. I didn’t expect a journalist to see my post and want an interview, but from that article, the Kansas City community has been sending lots of emails and messages to us in solidarity. There are hateful and negative comments being written on social media posts and websites, and internet trolls are salivating at the opportunity to rip my post and our story apart; but I haven’t received a single rude email, which shows people are ready for a change. The emails we’ve received highlight other interracial couples stories, families welcoming us to KC, and lots of emails asking, “how do we do better, we need to do better” (those are my favorite!). The Diplomatic Security Service never ceases to amaze me and they have checked in on us frequently, and spouses from across the world are chatting with me in support. The Army has offered immense support and personal phone calls to us and welcomed me to join their spouse groups and events. Friends and family are the reason that this blog post was seen and the reason that I now have a picture with Martha Raddatz, so THANK YOU! We have been supported by SO many random strangers with messages, and waves as we walk around our town. It’s proof that other people are aware that there is a problem, and they want to be part of the change. Please don’t think that the racist individuals have disappeared overnight, they haven’t. I am pretty sure the one changed their walking route because I haven’t seen them, but the rest still stare…but haven’t said anything. We aren’t leaving our home and moving, because that isn’t the answer. The answer is using our voice.

We need to do better, as a society. That was my message in my post and has been our message in interviews. This isn’t political, this isn't motive driven, this was an emotional post from my heart. I was tired of watching people roll their eyes at my husband when he’d hold my hand, hearing horrible racial slurs and comments towards us, I was tired of explaining to Audrey that adults were behaving inappropriately, I was disgusted with the hatred that was not only aimed directly towards Jamari but towards my babies, and I was sick of hearing, “stay with your own kind.” Before an interracial couple, we are a couple, before we are an interracial family, we are a family, and that shouldn’t need to be defended or explained; full stop.

We are not saying that racism is isolated in Kansas City suburbs and that we will never experience racism again. This is not only an issue within Kansas City, but it is also an epidemic across America and is systemic (yes, I think that is real). Going viral wasn’t anticipated, but for this short window where my blog is being looked at and people want to hear our story, I am going to use my voice to ensure that my original message is heard; my children deserve a better America. Our future deserves a change and I believe that it is happening. If one pissed off Mama has generated this much stir over racial injustice to her family, then America is ready. On that, while I have my platform, I am going to say that not all racism is bold and vocal, microaggressions of racism are equally as hurtful and damaging. It doesn’t need to be a racial slur that is yelled at someone, it could be telling someone, “you speak good English”, a store owner following a customer around the store, or the most common one I hear about Jamari, “you are a credit to the black community.” All implying an undertone of racism.

In closing, Jamari and I would like to thank every single person who has reached out. We read every message that comes our way and are trying to respond. We are thankful for the support for our family, but also the support for a change. I am not foolish enough to believe that our story changed the minds of people around us or anyone for that matter. Sadly, I am not sure our story would have been seen the way it was if Jamari had written it (FYI: I loathe white privilege). I know that this is going to continue far after our spotlight has dimmed; but what I pray and hope for is that the conversation has started. If people don’t agree and think this isn’t a problem, they at least read the article and absorbed something. I aspire for people to at least think of our story and how they would react if it was their family, and perhaps talk to a neighbor or someone that looks or thinks differently than them. America will be a much better place when we learn that hate doesn’t pave the way.

Parenting in a Hateful World

We’ve been in Kansas City for two months now, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely disheartened with the welcome our family has received. I didn’t expect to have a neighborhood welcome committee when an interracial family moved into the suburbs of a Midwest city, but I absolutely didn’t expect the hatred we’ve experienced. With the current situation of our world and lots of eyes on the racial injustices of this world; I felt it was time to break my silence and talk about our last two months and how I have been forced to think about raising my biracial children in this race-driven world faster than I had anticipated.

It is so easy to sit comfortably in your home and watch the mainstream media news broadcasting and form opinions, or type your strongly opinionated thoughts on your social media accounts and watch how many likes you receive, but when you are carrying groceries into your house with a toddler and someone yells a racial slur out the window to you; what would your reaction be?

We have obligations as parents to raise our children to be kind and compassionate humans. It was at that moment where I realized my pre-children self’s reaction would teach my child the opposite of what I am trying to do. As stated before, I had anticipated a bit of tension in the Kansas City suburbs and hardly expected the inclusive feeling that Southern California provides to an interracial family; but did not expect the outright hate that we’ve received. From neighbors yelling racial slurs, comments in stores, neighbors telling me not to speak to them and walking away, stares and pointing, and the award-winning pretending to vomit while pointing at our children after asking if Jamari and I were together in the local Costco; it’s been exhausting. This is America. Jamari and I have traveled the world and experienced less hatred than our own country.

At first, I was so angry I wanted to argue every nasty comment and slur whether it was in front of my children or not, but that got exhausting and unproductive. Racism is deep-rooted, and my reaction is exactly what they are waiting for. Not to mention, arguing in front of my kids with someone who felt comfortable enough to be vocal is not going to end constructively. I’ve thought endlessly about what it is that makes people so uncomfortable when they look at my family; is it Jamari, or my children, or Jamari and I being together, or me (because the racism is flying at us from everyone)? It could be all of those things and then some; I stopped caring because their why isn’t my problem. If seeing a happy, successful, interracial family offends them; that’s on them and not my concern to pinpoint why they are unhappy with it. My reaction to their comments is what is my focus is, and I have taken a major step back in how I proceed. I give no response to the hate, it is exactly what they are waiting for. Instead, it is more offensive for them to see our family appear unbothered. Clearly sharing space and patronizing the same places is annoyance enough that they feel they need to be vocal or gesture, so our lack of reaction is more than anything we could ever respond with. Yes, I hear and see them; but reacting distastefully is teaching my children to continue the fight. Lack of response teaches my children restraint and I use that moment for education. It isn’t easy and has been a learning experience for myself as well because who wouldn’t want to argue back? But, that teaches my children a lesson that isn’t necessary. I model equality and that we treat others respectfully. I break things down into simple terms that a toddler can fully understand, “that man needs a time-out, what he is saying is not ok, and yelling at other people is not allowed.” She gets that, she knows what a time out is, she knows what is not permitted. That simple phrase takes a scary situation of a grown man yelling at us into something more understandable for her.

I focus on Audrey (because Maxwell is too young), I tell her that people have opinions, the same way she doesn’t like some foods; not everyone likes each other, but that she needs to be kind and we are all equal. I never say “we don't see color” when referring to race and cringe when I hear that. There is color in this world and we need to talk about it and accept that. I am clearly different than Jamari, both children have different appearances, our family members all have different shades of melanin so let’s stop pretending like we have no differences and embrace them, talk about them, and acknowledge them. Teaching kids, “we see no color” is avoiding the conversations on race that parents should be having. Children are naturally observant and question their surroundings so we have to utilize that opportunity when they ask a question. Rather than teaching her to see no color in this world, I encourage her to embrace and accept everyone as the unique individual they are. I have very age-appropriate conversations with her on race because she is experiencing the slurs people hurl at her father and comments made about her and her brother every time we leave our home. I can not shy away from this. We talk and read about kindness, we talk about how everyone is unique, we reference the rainbow frequently and how the different colors of the rainbow make a beautiful image and it is the same with people, she has baby dolls of all races, and I focus on positive affirmations for her. I am nauseated that I am forced to have conversations with my 3-year-old about the inappropriateness of adult behavior surrounding her and how adults are displaying unkind behavior, but this is my chance. I can’t focus my attention on why there are racist people in this world but I have an obligation to be sure my two children are raised differently in this world of injustice. We will be living in Kansas City for a year before transferring somewhere new, but this fight isn’t going to end when we leave KC. This is an on-going topic that will forever be discussed in our home. For now, I proceed with my days and walk with my beautiful family, proudly, because their discomfort in seeing us isn’t going to stop us from living and thriving

Mom Funk

I’ve taken enough psych classes and watched enough Grey’s Anatomy to comfortably be able to diagnose a few ailments and ‘mom funk’ is one of them. This is an uncomfortable post for me because it’s admitting I am not perfect and ride the struggle bus more frequently than I want to admit.

‘Mom funk’ isn’t laying in bed, unmotivated, and rapidly changing emotions of depression; which I suffered from (PPD) horribly and was helped with medication. Mom funk isn’t a true diagnosis; rather, it’s the attitude that every single Mom has felt walking around her house looking at dishes in the sink, empty toilet paper rolls, toys spread across the floor, and then the looming statement for the 27th time by a toddler, “I’m bored”. Being a Mom is complicated; you have a constant battle of not losing your own identity but also fully devoting yourself to your children and spouse. I want to be the absolute best mother I can be and feel an intense responsability to raise kind and productive children. But, the pressure I inflict on myself with ridiculous expectations can lead to pushing myself into a funk.

When I walk into the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes I feel the pressure of having them washed and put away immediately. I can’t stand to see toys spread around my house, which is completely irrational because I have two children under the age of 3. The laundry never manages to make it out of the hampers and into the drawers when folded unless we are having guests. When Jamari leaves a pair of socks on the edge of the couch it throws me into the evil wife tone of voice and I start the argument of, “am I the only person who can see this stuff?”. So how do I escape this funk? It’s easy to get into, and even easier to rabbit hole down and turn it into a week long funk and that’s not fun for anyone.

Be Grateful

I can easily fall into a mood that manifests thoughts of, “I wish I had a career again”, wanting to switch spots with Jamari for a day, or wanting a solo vacation; but that’s short lived when I am hugged by one of my babies, or Audrey says, “you da best Mom!”. When I feel overwhelmed with Mom life I try to take a few minutes to myself to re-center my thoughts. I am so grateful for this life. For this opportunity to not work, and stay home with my littles while they grow, to never miss a milestone, and to have the freedom of our day be whatever I plan. Of course, there are some days that I miss getting dressed and going to work, but I will have that opportunity again. In this season of life, my career is raising my children and I am content with that. So when I start to feel the looming thoughts of ‘ugh’, I take a deep breath and remember my “why” for choosing to stay home.

Time to Myself

While I adore being around my children (most days) I also crave time to myself. My children are still so dependent on me for everything from 34 snacks/meals a day, diaper changes, potty runs, and constant activities that sometimes I want to do nothing and be silent. I could never understand why my Mom enjoyed going to work every morning…now I know she pooped in peace. It’s important for me to take a few minutes a few times a day to disconnect and focus on what I need. Sometimes that means aimlessly scrolling social media while the babies nap, sometimes that means taking a shower that involves following the instructions on the shampoo and conditioner bottle (have you ever tried that?), drinking my coffee in my bedroom solo (while Jamari is home, of course). It could be a simple solo trip to the bathroom, which doesn’t happen often or scheduling a massage. It’s just time for me to take a few deep breaths, and focus on myself too. My babies and husband are happier when I am happy, so I need to focus on myself too.

Treat Yo’self!

Motherhood can become mundane, if you allow it to be. It can become a monotonous schedule day in and day out, especially with a global pandemic keeping most of us home more than we’d like to be. I have a very supportive husband who sees when I am dropping into a “Mom funk” (maybe it’s my tone?) pushes me to do something for myself. I recently, allowed Mom funk to linger longer than it should have and the quarantine didn’t help it. My weight was an uncomfortable topic since having two babies within 23 months of each other and I felt gross. So, I used my quarantine time (3 months) to drop 28lbs and feel more alive. With the support of Jamari, I got on a strict diet, I let him become my personal trainer, and I pushed myself harder than I ever had. It didn’t feel like a treat while I was tossing tires around my front yard, but the end result is what I wanted. If there is something making you feel blah and pushing you further down into your funk, you owe it to yourself to focus on that for a bit.

Tomorrow is Another Day

It happens more than I would like to admit; I yell, I get overwhelmed, I get angry or frustrated, but I go to sleep and inevitably miss my kids so much I want to wake them up to tell them. It’s a never ending cycle. I pray before I sleep each night because it’s my calming routine, and every single night I am reminded, tomorrow is another day. Regardless of how difficult today was, the chores that need to be done, the endless laundry and dishes, or the stress that turned into my voice being raised; tomorrow is new. In the thick of a rough patch I stop and remind myself of this. I am only human, and completely out numbered (2 kids, 1 husband, 1 dog), but I can manage it all if I focus on what I need too. If I am realistic in my expectations, slow down a bit, and shift my mindset from “OMG another dish in the sink?” to “I’ll clean these before dinner, for now lets go outside and play”, life become more moment focused and less stressful.

The days can be long but the years are so short and I try my best to remind myself of that. This is yet another season of life that I will look back upon and say, “I don’t know how I got through that, but it was fun.” I hope my children remember fun memories instead of stressed out Mom, so I do my best to pull myself out of Mom funk quickly and re-center my mindset.

Flyin’ Solo in a Pandemic

Recently, I took my first flight solo with the kids. Two children, under the age of 3, a global pandemic, while moving cross country, and carrying all the items I would possibly need immediately upon landing (i.e. car seats, stroller, diapers/wipes, baby food, formula, all the snacks) led to extreme anxiety for weeks prior to travel and reading tons of tips and tricks from other seasoned mamas who live this crazy foreign service lifestyle and do this frequently. I have to admit, it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I envisioned.

I need to preface with a story about my last travel experience with Audrey at 12 months old. Picture it…I had an extreme case of food poisoning, and was in the urgent care that morning hooked up to IVs to help get me through the flight, which left Jamari to pack the hotel up and handle things with Audrey. We were flying from South Carolina to California (6 hours with a layover in Houston), I felt horrible, and the moment I stepped foot onto the plane Audrey decided to have an epic melt down. The kind of tantrum that they kick kids off the plane for and you hear about in the news. She refused to stop crying THE ENTIRE FLIGHT; so bad, that random strangers were taking turns carrying her up and down the aisle because we obviously looked like we needed help. Said experience, is when Jamari vowed not to fly with her again and hasn’t. So, after that hellish moment etched into my memories forever, I completely feared being solo with her and Maxwell so I prepared, organized, and sort of enjoyed the experience.

Covid(ish) Precautions

Obviously, we are in a strange time with a global pandemic and traveling is not ideal, but I had no choice. I will probably maintain a lot of what I did as cautionary for Covid in upcoming trips because planes are gross and travel with little kids means lots of touching and licking random surfaces.

• Stroller was mandatory.

  • I was given a Joovy ultralight umbrella stroller (Thanks, Georgie!) which folds up easily and has a shoulder strap which was my go to for this.

  • Kids strapped into the stroller means no wandering, no touching things, and complete control of their movement.

  • I could maneuver quickly through the airport and maintained social distancing because Lord knows Audrey likes to walk up and talk to everyone (or tell them not to talk to her, it’s a phase we’re working through)

• You can take a 12oz bottle of hand sanitizer onto flights right now and a large container of disinfectant wipes.

  • I put my bottle of sanitizer into the seat pocket in front of me and frequently used it.

  • I wore Maxwell in his carrier as I boarded the flight and told Audrey to stand on the seat (to let other passengers by) as I wiped down the seats, the arm rests, the trays, EVERYTHING. FYI- my wipes were brown/black with filth after they “sanitized” the plane before us boarding.

• I put a fitted crib sheet over the seat bottoms and had a garbage bag packed to dispose of it after deplaning. I knew Audrey would lay on the seats and get comfortable and her face on the seat skeeved me out.

• Masks

  • I wore a mask from the moment entering the airport until I got out of my next airport. I did not make Audrey wear a mask and I received more comments on that than offers to assist. This is the thing; she’s 2.5. That mask isn’t going to be left alone, she is going to touch it, take it off, put it on the floor, etc. It was a bigger risk for me to have her dragging the mask on the floor and then putting it on than omitting the mask. Yes, I talked with her doctor about it before we left and it was a mutual decision that the mask is pointless for her age.

  • Maxwell obviously can’t wear a mask at his age either, but I did cover his car seat with a light muslin blanket to help with germs and the lights of the plane while he slept.

• Toys

  • I attached to Maxwell’s car seat using pacifier clips and I rotated them as needed, but he slept for the majority of the flight.

  • Audrey’s blankets were something I wasn’t sure about, they are her comfort but I hate the idea of them on a plane. But, survival mode won that argument and she got them to relax and chill and I washed them upon arrival.

Ultimately, I was precautious but not fearful. I am mindful traveling on a regular day because being 35,000 feet in the air with recycled air and strangers always leads to a germ fest so I tried to be reasonable and mindful at the same time because I don’t foresee Covid, the flu, or any other contagious illness disappearing overnight.

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A few other tricks I’ve been using from flying with Audrey that I carried over with this trip:

• Ziplock bag with a piece of painters tape inside to be taped to the seat in front of me for easy trash collection.

• I tie Audrey’s water cup to the arm rest so I don’t have to use the seat pocket and she always can reach it, same for Maxwell’s bottle so it doesn’t get tossed when he’s finished.

• Maxwell flew in his car seat which meant I could have both hands available and ready. I think this was key for me. He was able to sleep comfortably and I could focus on Audrey’s needs. When Maxwell was fussy, I could easily take him out if needed but return him back to his seat to play with toys or have his bottle.

• Put a diaper (for each), wipes ( in a small separate baggie), and a puppy pee pad in a zip lock bag as “diaper changing kits”. It’s easier than trying to fumble through the bag searching for diapers and wipes, and the pee pad is a disposable changing pad. I also put Audrey and Maxwell in overnight pull ups when we flew because it is much easier to change a child standing than needing to find a changing table and lug all my gear into a bathroom stall. I have a poo only change rule if the flight is less than 6 hours. An overnight diaper is absorbent enough for 6 hours and they sleep 12 hours solid at night so…no worries there.

• I prep bottles with water prior to boarding and have my pre-measured formula. A bottle or straw cup at take off and landing helps with ears popping. I keep a little canvas bag in my diaper bag that can be pulled out easily to put my snacks and bottles in as soon as I board so I don’t have to riffle through the diaper bag trying to find them. I also put a ziplock bag over the tray table when Audrey wanted a snack because tray tables are truly disgusting, then I use the same bag for her trash when she’s done.

• You can take liquid, food, and medications on flight when traveling with kids, specifically babies for milk and water. I reached out to a friend who is a TSA officer for some advice so I didn’t have my formula tossed like last time and this time the officer said, “Wow, you’re a seasoned traveler, you have everything in order like you travel with kids for a living.” No, no sir, I’m not, I cheated and asked a friend.

  • Keep water in sealed bottle until through security checkpoint

  • Put liquid formula or milk in a clear bottle so they can test it easily (I poured Audrey’s milk into a large clear reusable water bottle and used powdered formula for Maxwell)

  • Put all food/snacks/pouches/liquids in a separate baggie for easier scanning

  • Ice packs must be frozen solid (like the old school lunch box ones)

• Audrey was too little to remember her walking up and down the aisles with strangers on the last flight, but I have a no walking rule. She asked multiple times to get up and walk to see people and the answer is no. I tell her that it’s against the rules because the last thing anyone wants is to deal with a toddler walking past them 35 times asking them random questions while stuck in flight.

• I have activities packed for entertainment but I didn’t pull anything out because she didn’t ask. I’m fine with her watching her iPad for hours if we are stuck in a metal tube thousands of feet in the air. I really didn’t want to be switching from activities trying to entertain her. Some things I packed were Color Wonder pages and markers, window clings, and mini princess figurines that we could play with.

• I normally buy $5 Starbucks gift cards for passengers close to me because no one likes sitting next to a crying baby, let alone two; but, this time absolutely nothing was open in LAX so I skipped that.

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So, this is my take away. Parents are super hero’s. Just kidding…kinda. I boarded the flight telling myself I won’t see any of these people again so if it was a complete disaster I would be fine with it and handle each hurdle one by one. Thankfully, the stars aligned and God threw me a blessing after my last flight and I didn’t have much to worry about. I am prepared for the worst but was relieved it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. I will say, that when traveling you need to be prepared to do everything by yourself; so packing what I can manage solo, lift solo, maneuver solo is key. I use my backpack diaper bag, an over the shoulder cross body bag, the double stroller, the carrier attached to my waist, and carried Maxwell’s car seat over my arm while pushing the stroller. Not a single soul asked if I needed assistance which is why I think it is crucial to test what you have and your limits before trying to travel. Now that I got my confidence up, and plane fare is at an all time low I feel more trips with the kids coming in our future.

Quarantine Life

Four months ago when I wrote my last post, I was out and about daily with both kids. Going to playgrounds, play dates, Disneyland, stores, restaurants, and seeing friends daily. Four months later…full stop. We are enduring a global pandemic with Coronavirus, and are experiencing unprecedented mandates and quarantines.

It’s a scary time if I stop and think about it for too long. There are long lines to enter into grocery stores where the shelves are bare and there are limits on what you can purchase. We are experiencing a Stay at Home Order in the state of California; unless we are going for essential supplies, we are supposed to be home. We are practicing a new term of “social distancing”, which is an introverts dream of keeping 6 feet distance from people. There are pop-up testing sights in parking lots to be tested for the virus. Daily press conferences from the President, Governor, and Mayor with updates and requests. Most terrifying, there is a shortage of protective equiptment for those in the front lines. Medical professionals are being forced to wear make shift masks while putting themselves at risk to save lives. In a matter of weeks the world has changed, my routine has changed, and I'm struggling to understand what is going on.

I remember hearing when you have children, your perspective on things change. I couldn’t understand that until I became a Mom. This entire scenario we are living in is being handled different than I would have sans children. My Mama-bear instinct is kicking in and I have an obligation to protect my children and provide for them. I feel like I need to think three steps ahead in regard to diapers, formula, meals, and activities. The everyday run to Target can’t happen and I need to have things on hand because I don’t know what will be in the store the once a week I go. I need to be prepared for anything, yet I need to focus on maintaining life as normal for Audrey because this isn’t something a 2.5 year old can or should understand.

We’ve been trying to maintain the same routine as previously without any play dates or going out but I won’t try to sugarcoat it; it’s hard. Staying at home is my jam, it’s my current job. I spend day in and day out with both kids but when you are mandated by the government to not leave your house you suddenly feel all kinds of anxiety; and that is fine. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and confused. People should feel safe to say, “I’m not ok today.” When the whole world is running on uncertainty I should’t be expected to be fine every minute of the day; but I am trying. So I have tried to be productive with our quarantine time, doing activities, online learning resources, and keeping our scheduled daily routine the same while maintaining social distancing and avoiding going anywhere.

As for Jamari; he’s fine. He’s enjoying the extreme quality time he is having with his loving family. No gym, no sports on TV, rationed toilet paper, teleworking, and home 24/7 with two kids, his dog, and wife. Honestly…he’s living the dream.

So, do your part. Stay home, wash your hands, be kind to people, maintain distance, and allow this to pass. This is something my children will read about in their history lessons (if history is even a subject anymore?) I want to document as much as possible so they can see the time we are in through memories.

Favorite Quarantine Activies:

• Sensory Box

  • Waterbeads

  • Dyed Rice

  • Dyed Beans

  • Kinetic Sand

• Water Play

  • Popsicle Baths

  • Washing Plastic Toys

  • Painting Toys with Washable Paint to Wash

• Toddler trampoline

• Scavenger Hunt Walks

• Crafts for Neighbors with Porch Drops

• Online Preschool Circle Time

• Disney+

• Baking and Cooking Lessons

• Dance Parties

• Yoga

• Video Chats (we are taking video chat requests!)

Worst Blogger Ever

And the award for the worst blogger goes to….Maureen Roland!

I never knew how much I looked forward to bed time until I became a mom of two. When 7pm rolls around, I sink into my couch and stare at the TV in a trance telling myself I will pull out the laptop and whip up some creative content for my blog; but it never happens. Which is why I find myself four months behind in posts, again.

Since my last post, lots of fun has been happening around the Roland Ranch.

• Preschool started (and ended)

• Grandma (my Mom) came to visit (twice)

• Santa came!

• We finally finished soccer

• Maxwell is now 8 months

• Preparations for operation “Move across the country with 2 kids and a dog” are underway

• Lots of trips to our local wineries, a few Disneyland days, and not to mention the daily shenanigans of Audrey being a full blown 2.5 year old, which if you follow me on social media know first hand, it is never dull.

• We are self isolating from a global pandemic called coronavirus

Life most days is loud, organized chaos, and cleaning up messes to make them again. Things are definitely not boring but have drastically changed from the days where Jamari and I would travel internationally to random cities for three day weekends.

So here is my four month photo drop and my pledge to try harder .