Farewell Canyon View Drive

I just tucked my babies into their beds for the last time at this house and it hit me harder than I thought it would. We purchased this home without having children on our life radar, and shortly after found out we were expecting Audrey. This home has been the first home to both of our children and I am so fortunate to have so many memories within these walls. In this lifestyle it’s important to not get attached to locations and houses; you learn that your “home” is wherever your family is. But, this house will always hold a special place in my heart. Our first home we purchased as a couple, the house I left in labor (twice) and returned with two healthy babies, all of the first holidays with the kids and family, and lots of laughs and happy memories.

I arrived in California from overseas and very pregnant with Audrey. I knew no one and struggled to enter into motherhood without any friends. I joined a church, Gymboree, and started knocking on neighbor’s door and from that I created a tribe of lifelong friendships that have guided me through both the toughest and happiest moments of early motherhood. I will miss those faces the most. These friends have been there through earthquakes, wildfires, Jamari traveling, a global pandemic, two pregnancies and postpartum, and this move. Sure, the weather is fantastic, Disneyland is amazing, my wine club membership will miss me, and the beach is pure serenity; but those friendships have seen me through some of the most challenging days in the last three years and we’ve had some of the happiest times. We are asked often if we will be back to California soon, and the sad reality is that we won’t. That isn’t how foreign service life works, and we were very fortunate to have the three years here that we did. We are headed to Kansas City, Missouri for a short year, and then on to the next spot. That is the hardest part of moving from place to place, you get used to a routine, create close friendships, and get comfortable with the area and then have to start all over.

We arrived here with only Kingston, and are now leaving as a party of four, plus Kingston. This is our first move with kids, and I underestimated how challenging that was going to be. From preparing basic necessities for the hotel stay prior to departure, packing and purging things, and the hardest part is explaining to Audrey what is happening around her. Children are resilient, but it’s still very difficult. If I find it hard to leave friends at 33, I am certain she is struggling with the goodbyes to her friends as well. We have been trying to keep it very short and sweet, and taking a few pictures before the goodbye so when she asks about her friends in the coming months I can show her. We started the process early explaining that we were moving to a new house, with new parks, new toys, and a new bedroom. We’ll see how the prep work pays off tomorrow when the big truck rolls up and the movers start packing everything.

I try not posting many photos of the inside of our home for privacy reasons, but since the home was listed on Zillow and I want a memory of how it looked in ten years and I am on my third location from now I am including some photos from our happy home.

California will now become a vacation spot for us, and we are leaving this no humidity weather with a gorgeous backyard dragging our feet to a humidity overload and no pool; but we will make new memories and have new favorite places there. Farewell Canyon View Drive…you’ll be missed!

Strawberry Fields Forever

For seven years I begged Jamari to go berry/fruit picking with me and was always met with a refusal. He always rationalized his argument with; “why would I pay more for something when I have to do work to pick it myself?”

We recently had a full day of showings for our house that is currently for sale and needed to be out of the house for the day. I casually tossed out strawberry picking as an idea while we were at brunch and he agreed! Completely unprepared for the outing and wearing flip flops, I didn’t want to give him time to change his mind, so we headed to the farm.

We picked berries for about 15 minutes which was enough time for Audrey to fill the bucket and take off her rain boots and walk barefoot through the dirt field. We paid our $15 for 4 lbs of strawberries, and left with everyone in a good mood. I was ecstatic and made him promise this could be an annual tradition wherever we live. We’ll see if he makes good on the promise in Kansas City, MO.

Photographic evidence that everyone had a good time…

And then this happened…

View fullsize

View fullsize

View fullsize

View fullsize

Taking suggestions on how to get a good family photo in the comments section…

White Privilege is a Problem

This is heavy post and different than most of my content. No cute pictures of my kids and family on this one because no image can capture the weight of this topic. White privilege is a topic most white people are uncomfortable with, deny, or nieve about. I want to break that barrier and bring it up because I am so tired of it. I'm deep diving into the white/black privlige and lack of because it's heavy on my heart; but this truly extends to all races. I'm grossly aware and saddened that my skin color allows privilege that my husband doesn't receive. I don't want that privilege, and I like to point it out whenever I have the chance. For those of you who don't understand the term, it is the racism that anyone other than white people receive simply because of their race, a societal privilege given soley based on the color of your skin. You don't have to feel privilege, it automatic based on the pigment of your skin. It's walking next to someone on a crowded street without them griping their bag a little tighter. It's thousands of white armed Americans protesting in a state Capitol building and viewed as Patriots, but armed black men protesting are deemed hostile and aggressive. It's not being asked what sport you played in to attend your private university. It's never needing to defend the car you drive for being stolen or the $100 in your pocket being “drug money”. You know what I mean? White privilege is sadly accepted by society even when people swear it's not real. It infuriates me.

Week after week media shows examples how white privilege is poisoning our society. A man (Ahmaud Arbery) being shot for jogging in a neighborhood, a man (George Floyd) begging for his life as an officer holds a knee into his neck for 9 minutes restricting his airflow and murdering him (while on video), having the police called on a man (Christian Cooper) for watching birds in Central Park because he seemed like a threat, mothers being held to the ground forcefully in a humiliating nature because they were thought to be shoplifting (they weren't); those are just the stories that made the media THIS week. I'm conciously aware that I never have to be concerned that I made too much eye contact, or not enough with an officer to be deemed a threat. That I won't be followed around a store for fear of theft. That neighbors dont wave good morning but hustle to their car in fear or disgust that I live next door. That I will never know the feeling of the "token black person" joke in a room full of white people. That no one will question how I obtained my assets and possessions. That sadly our society has permitted placing my race above that of my husband and if he spoke freely on it, he'd be told he's complaining. Let's be real, slavery was never abolished, it evolved into complete censorship and targeting.

The examples I give are all realities we've experienced. After living in our home for 2.5 years a neighbor and I were chatting about recent vehicle break ins. She felt it necessary to inform me that "one of them live in that house (pointing to mine, having no idea that she was talking to the owner of that home) and what's worse is he's married to a white woman AND they have kids *gasp*". I overheard a woman tell her child on the playground to stay away from "the big black man, he could be dangerous" referring to Jamari, and not realizing we were together. He's followed around stores as if he may steal something. People CONSTANTLY ask me if I need something, but ignore his presence before addressing me. And the worst, is the uncomfortable, "I have black friends" conversation people awkwardly feel obligated to have to make themselves comfortable around him. These simple situations show that It is a sad reality that my babies will also have to defend themselves in a way I have not because they are interracial. White privilege extends down to children. It serves as an entitlement that trickles down to the youngest generation and allows the behaviors that occur. It's injustice.

I am saddened by the pattern continuing. Prejudice, privilege, and injustice being taught to children as a way of life. This needs to stop. Mother's need to not fear for their black sons to be targeted, parents need to feel safe that their kids won't be the next example, families need to live freely and comfortable without fake waves and silent concerns of those living closest to them. When you say, “I hate what happened but…” you too are part of the problem.

I often read on social media that, "black people are angry.” They aren't angry; they're tired of the bullshit that America has allowed to become acceptable, and white people should be mad about it too! You'd be mad as hell too if society allowed your entire race to be treated inferior and the rest of America sat back to watch, or even worse, hit the ‘like’ button on a photo of the latest high profile scenario of white privilege being brought to the world's attention but do nothing after that. If you hold your phone to record an example of injustice rather than get involved, you're part of that problem. This is proving to be an epidemic within our country more concerning than wearing a face mask in the grocery store. I want to know that my husband can get from point A to point B without being stopped by an officer and be concerned he may have moved to grab his wallet too quickly. That if he had his weapon on him (as a law enforcement officer) that he may be considered a threat in a store. That random people stop and ask Audrey if she's ok while he changes her diaper in the back of the car as if he couldn't possibly be her Dad. I want equality and I'm disgusted that I carry a privilege he doesn't because I have less pigment to my skin and blonde hair. I feel strongly that if you are silent in examples of injustice you've chosen with the side of the oppressor. It is a cycle that can be broken, if we stop getting mad then forgetting, and start getting serious about doing something. The first step is acknowledgement that this is real and white privilege/racism is pathetically thriving in American culture and NEEDS to be stopped. If this conversation makes you uncomfortable, it should. If you see the social media posts of the faces of men and women who have been persecuted against and have no idea who they are, then you need a more diverse circle. If your offended by any race other than white standing up for equality and their human rights, then you are part of the problem. If photos of my family make you feel uncomfortable then we shouldn't be friends. I stand with equality.

Easter in Quarantine

Easter came and went so quickly and felt different being restricted to our home. We stretched out our activities for a week to make the occasion more fun for Audrey, since this was the first year she could really understand what was going on. We are slowly getting used to being quarantined and adjusted this holiday accordingly. There wasn’t a big family dinner to prep for, sadly no crowded church service to attend, and no community Easter egg hunts or activities. Instead, it was the four of us, staying home, and doing fun Easter activities with Audrey as the only participant. I didn’t want this little life memory of Maxwell’s first Easter and the first Easter Audrey understands to be put on hold due to the circumstances, so we carried on.

Easter started a week prior when our sweet neighbor “egged” our house. Her and her kids put a bunch of treat filled eggs in the yard with a note and an Easter bucket and ‘hopped’ away for Audrey to find the eggs. This is when the bribery that the Easter bunny was watching her began. (Yes, I use bribery as a parenting tool, and I am not ashamed).

Next, came the decorated Easter eggs. We cut out construction paper eggs and decorated them to hang in our front window so the bunny would be able to find our house. We did all the traditional Easter prep activities, which were fun since it was the first year we’ve done most of them as a family. We dyed eggs, Audrey made Rice Krispie treats with Jamari, we left snacks for the bunny, then put out the Easter baskets after the kids went to sleep. Easter morning was as exciting as I can remember it being as a little kid. Audrey’s excitement poured over into my excitement as she ran out of her bedroom and down the steps to find that the Easter bunny ate her snacks and left her presents. We watched our church service online together in pajamas, and had an at home Easter egg hunt after nap time. There was no schedule and no stress. We ate a home-cooked dinner using whatever was in our stockpile of quarantine food which turned out to be pork loin and sweet potatoes, and had Rice Krispie treats as dessert.

The one thing that was important for me regardless of being quarantined was to get dressed in Easter outfits and take a few photos to document Maxwell’s first Easter. Regardless of the current circumstances, I can’t recreate these milestones; and they are so important. The kids and I got all dressed up, stood outside in the drizzling rain, and attempted to take pictures until Audrey walked away declaring she was finished. Where was Jamari? He was here, but hates photos so I gave him a pass if he promised to try to take quality photos. We got 3.

These are strange times. We can’t go anywhere, we spend all day home and together, the days mesh together and it’s getting more challenging to come up with new activities. But these are special times; I can’t remember the last time Jamari was home as much as this (if ever). We are together all day creating memories and having fun at home. We know we are safe in our home, we have everything we need in our home, and there is little to no stress of the outside world within in the confines of our home. It’s oddly like our own little sanctuary in this uncertain time. Soon enough, life will go back to normal and we will be out and about like we always were; but for now I truly enjoyed our quiet holiday and this might be a new family tradition for us.

School is in Session

We took the plunge and signed Audrey up for preschool. It’s something we’ve been debating about for a while. We weren’t sure if it was necessary considering she is only 2 years old and was enrolled in other activities for socialization, but we decided to give it a try. She was bored at home, needs some peer play time, and would benefit from learning listening to someone other than us. I found it harder to commit to a preschool than I did committing to an undergrad university. There is something about handing your child to a complete stranger for hours at a time that is surprisingly terrifying. After getting recommendations from a few friends, touring the school, and asking (interrogating) a million questions; we said we would think about it. The moon and stars aligned perfectly and a random spot opened up for the days we were interested in so we signed her up and sent her on her way.

I keep her age in mind with my expectations for this experience. I don’t expect her to write her name, know her alphabet, or even tie her shoes at this age. I am hoping for more vocabulary, a little structure in her day, and socialization. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is the first child that gets suspended for the preschool for some ridiculous action like body slamming, stealing lunches, or calling the teacher a “sucka’”. (Which I should note is an automatic time-out in our household, but she still says, “bye sucka’” to people. I have high aspirations for her in the future but am bluntly realistic when dealing with her current toddler personality.

Helping her to trace her name

Day one went surprisingly well for her; not so much for me. She ran in without even saying goodbye and I didn’t get to recite my little speech I had prepared for her. Which of course, led me to ugly crying in the car parked directly outside the school. I may have sat in the car for an unknown amount of time, rolling down my window, shouting out and questioning each parent who dropped their kid off if they heard any crying inside. All of them cheerfully answered “nope, quiet”, except one who actually questioned, “uh, who are you?” I came home and called my Mom and tried to make up reasons why I should probably go back and pick her up. Because she ran in so quickly, and I didn’t get to talk to the teacher or explain my list of ‘what if’ solutions I felt obliged to text the owner to see how she was doing. I sat in my kitchen for the entire time staring at the clock for the middle of her time slot and called at exactly 11:00 to check in, as if the texts weren’t enough reassurance. To top it all off, I pulled up to the school 25 minutes early, just in case they needed me for something (they didn’t). All in all, she had a blast and asked to go back as soon as we got home. I promised myself I will get better and tone the crazy down just a bit.

By day 20 I’ll be doing a slow crawl and she will be drop and rolling out of the car as I peel off to enjoy the free time, but day one was a challenge.

The Roland Circus came to town

Halloween is a big deal around here. It was a big deal before we had kids so you have to know that we are going to go all out now that we have a reason to. Jamari is in charge of all things holidays because I don’t have the energy or creativity to come up with the ideas he does. Although, I often have to reign in his over the top ideas and veto the constant suggestion for a live band at parties we host; I give him (most) of the control. This year was special because we had Oma (Audrey’s GodGrandma) visiting us and joined in on the fun. We went to a neighborhood Halloween party, consumed our weight in cake pops and tacos, and then walked around the neighborhood trick or treating. Audrey did what she could but trick or treating fell during bedtime, so she walked 1/2 a block and declared she was ready for bed. None of us adults complained. Another Halloween in the books!

Cue circus music…

A Day at the Happiest Place on Earth

Audrey has a new found fascination with all things Disney. We’ve had season passes to Disneyland for a year now, but she hasn’t taken much interest being so young. Recently she has started noticing the characters and is mildly obsessed with Minnie and Moana. Before our passes expired we decided to take her to Disneyland to get an up close and personal look at the characters. She was THRILLED since we haven’t been there in months.

She is a bit too young to enjoy most rides, but she went on Dumbo and It’s a Small World and to our surprise enjoyed both. Instead of standing in lines for an hour at a time to go on a ride, we put Jamari’s planning and crowd navigation skills to test and stalked characters. We set the goal to arrive at 8 and leave by noon (nap time, duh!) Mission accomplished! We managed to see more characters than any other day and visited with Minnie twice and captured photos with her wearing two different outfits. Minnie autographed her “Minnie phone” that she carries around everywhere, which is equivalent to the Backstreet Boys autographing my cell phone back in early 2001. Pretty epic! We tried our best to find Moana, but she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. She was probably off looking for Maui, or that’s the story we gave Audrey after we promised we were going to visit her. You definitely need to cap your expectations when visiting Disneyland with a toddler. I’ve never truly experienced Disneyland with it’s rides and shows because I only go for a short period of time with Audrey and do things that she would be entertained with. But, that is the benefit to having an annual pass; you feel no guilt for being there for 3 hours and leaving. Eventually I plan to go and actually experience Disneyland (*hint hint* date night idea, Jamari!).

It was pretty much the best day ever when you are a two year old Disney fan. As predicted she began to meltdown around noon, so we waved goodbye to the characters around Main Street and took the tram ride back to the parking garage a ride singing the Choo Choo Soul theme song all the way back. A big ‘you’re welcome’ to the other passengers who thought they were just on the tram.

We have 9 months left in California so I will spend the next few days convincing Jamari that we need to purchase passes again to go back while Audrey and Maxwell are free. (Update: since first writing this, he bought us passes again! That translates to more posts about our days at Disney.)

I could never understand why parent’s brought kids who were stroller age to theme parks like Disney; until I became one. Seeing the world through their eyes makes every experience different. She obviously won’t remember these days, but for the next few weeks she will talk about it and the memories she has of meeting each of her favorite characters. The pictures will last a lifetime, and Jamari and I will certainly remember her smile, her excitement, and her singing her favorite Disney songs through the park.

On The Road Again

Our time in CA is starting to wind down and we are officially in the single digit countdown. We recently received our next assignment and the Roland’s will be packing up and heading to Kansas City, Missouri for a year. (Hold your applause and excitement, I know it’s thrilling.)

With Jamari’s job we move every 2-3 years and the moves can be domestically or international. Jamari and I have moved multiple times together but this will be the first time with kiddos. We arrived in California with our oversized furbaby, Kingston, and will be leaving with our oversized furbaby and a toddler and a baby. Jamari was accepted into a military university to get another degree, so we jumped at the opportunity for a year with him not traveling or being pulled for temporary assignments. Although Kansas City doesn’t seem alluring to many, we are thrilled at the opportunity for a bit of a respite and to nosh on some of the best BBQ in the country.

Neither Jamari nor I have ever been to Kansas City, but that is part of the mystery in the Foreign Service. You normally don’t get to vet prospective assignments before you bid on them so this is no different. This will likely be a situation like CA was for us; we’ll look online for housing, agree to move there sight unseen, and arrive with suitcases. This time we’ll have two kids and the dog in tow because chaos creates better memories.

So consider this your final countdown to come visit us in CA, we plan to sell our home before we make the trek to Missouri early next summer.

Two Legit To Quit

Today, Audrey turns 2! That seems almost impossible because the past two years have flown by so quickly. I think I have felt more emotions than I knew were possible in the last two years., but that’s motherhood! We are big on celebrations in our household, but with Maxwell’s arrival only a few short weeks ago and us just having the baby shower we felt like we would do a low key celebration for her birthday. So we decorated the kitchen with balloons and Minnie paraphernalia, ate Mickey waffles, and sang “happy birthday” with a candle 5 times before 7:30. We are preparing for our next move soon, so we need to start downsizing some of the toys, books, and other useless crap we’ve accumulated the last 2 years while living the suburban lifestyle we’ve been living.

I feel like Audrey is changing daily. She is the most vivacious little soul I’ve ever encountered. She feels everything so intensely, from empathy for others to singing her favorite songs into toilet paper holders. Everything is done at a LOUD volume, with so much passion and heart. I continuously pray that she never loses that spirit and it will drive her to success. She has a passion for music and dance and will hear a beat in anything. She loves all animals but her favorite right now are dogs, and we have to say hello and hug each one we see. She prefers to shake hands over hugs or high fives. Loves to eat (no seriously, my grocery budget is outrageous). She needs to feel needed and wants to help in every single task that we are doing. She has a twenty minute attention span before things get iffy. Her temper is…intense. She adores her Daddy and their bond is priceless. She can use ASL and prefers that over talking. All things Disney captivate her attention these days and I have seen every single Disney parade You Tube has to offer at least 3 times each day. Her and I are similar in so many ways it can make the day in and day out antics challenging. Occasionally I have to remember that shes only 2 and that I can’t have a head strong battle with her. I can only imagine how our disagreements of which shoes she is going to wear on any given day will manifest as she gets older. Her language skills are picking up and we often know what she is saying but most strangers would have no idea; but it’s a marathon not a race and I am sure she will pick up talking in no time and then she will have actual vocabulary to tell me how she is feeling rather than ASL, grunting, and one word conversations.

While this age is a complete challenge for someone with no patience or experience (read: me) it is intensely fun. Watching the world through her eyes is so entertaining. Every new experience is a huge deal, Disney characters are her world, music makes her heart happy, and food is the key to her smile. It’s as if you get to relive your own childhood but from a vantage point that you will remember and understand what is going on. In years to come I want her to remember that she is SO loved. That on her 2nd birthday we filled the kitchen with balloons, went to the park for as long as she wanted, had ice cream (which is a special treat since we don’t let her have sugar), sang her favorite songs at excessive volume during our family dance party, ran through the sprinkler, and celebrated her. Audrey forever changed me. She jump started me into motherhood, gave me the name “Mama”, and gave my life a new purpose. To Audrey, I will be forever grateful for August 21, 2017.

7.17.19

The Roland family was blessed with a healthy baby boy on 7/17/19. We proudly introduce to you, Maxwell Jameson.

He entered into the world after 15 hours of labor and instantly filled our hearts with love. Our family is now complete and we couldn’t be happier. The stats are important to any Mom out there; he was 6lb 11oz, 19 inches long, and yes, I got an epidural at the 9th hour of labor.

We didn’t have a name for the longest time, and officially had no middle name until after he was born. We had a list of names we liked but it was a challenge to narrow it down. I have no intention to call him Max and will likely correct people for the rest of my life that his name is Maxwell. And despite what my Mom thinks, we didn’t name him after her two favorite drinks, Maxwell House Coffee and Jameson; we have no cool story behind his name other than it was regal and flowed with our desire for a classic name that was easily pronounced with a Jersey accent.

Jamari was a fantastic support during labor and delivery. It’s hard to imagine him being any calmer than his norm, but in situations like labor and delivery he is the calm in the storm. Even the nurses were making jokes that he was so chill and relaxed. While the anesthesiologist couldn’t place the epidural properly and kept making deep sighs (not the sound you want to hear your anesthesiologist making while inserting a large needle into your back) he kept me relaxed and even engaged in small talk. Those are the moments that I know marrying him was the best decision of my life.

Maxwell is the chillest baby you’d ever meet. Pretty much Jamari, but only 7lbs and less bicep. We prepped ourselves for the newborn phase we experienced with our cherub, Audrey, and were a bit confused when we didn’t have the “second night syndrome” scream fest in the hospital. Jamari and I even joked that we didn’t want to discuss it because we didn’t want to jinx it. We heard of this phenomenon where kids could be totally different, but didn’t believe it. Even now, I hesitate typing about him being so calm because I think what if tonight (night 19) he might choose to cry all night? For the most part, if you change his diaper, feed him, and swaddle him; he’s happy as can be and super quiet. We have to wake him up for his feedings through the day and he only wakes up twice a night. I feel like the universe said, “these two deserve a break after the first year they had with Audrey” and threw us a unicorn baby.

It’s true when people say that when you have another child your heart and love grow in a way you didn’t realize was possible. In the days leading up to Maxwell’s birth I found myself feeling very anxious and worried that Audrey would struggle to understand the new addition, or would feel unloved. Being an only child, I wasn’t familiar with how to adjust to siblings and struggled to make the transition easier for her. But I was shocked when we entered the house with Maxwell and she shrieked, “my baby!” with excitement. We purposely asked for no visitors at the hospital so that we could allow Audrey to be the first to “meet” Maxwell. We know that she won’t remember it, but we will, and it was special for our family. Maxwell brought her some gifts from the hospital, but she was instantly in love with him and in awe that there was a smaller human than she was that she could have cared less about the presents. I don’t want to jinx it, but we are 2.5 weeks in and she is still equally as interested.

I knew that with Audrey I struggled from the beginning with PPD, but it wasn’t until Maxwell’s birth that I realize how severe PPD impacted my bonding experience and first few months of her life. I now can appreciate when other Moms talk about love at first sight. I felt a bit disconnected during the pregnancy with Maxwell; mostly because I was running around after a toddler, but also because I was afraid of not being able to share the love I had established for Audrey. However, the moment he was placed onto my chest after delivery I felt all the anxiety and stress melt away and it was an instant rush of emotion. I was in love with him instantly. I felt a bit guilty that I didn’t experience that with Audrey and struggled for weeks/months with her to grow a bond. But I remind myself swiftly that the connection I have with Audrey is equally as special, and all that we went through brought us to where we are now and makes our story special.

So, now the Roland’s are officially a party of 4. We are complete and embracing this new season of life. I fell off the blog wagon for a bit while pregnant because let’s be honest, I was falling asleep at 7:05 each night 5 minutes after Audrey’s bedtime. But, in my delirious, sleep deprived, and freshly postpartum state, I am saying I am back on the wagon and plan to blog more often. I should also note that this post took me 4 days to finally publish because, mom life. I suppose like everything else in this adjustment period, I need to give a bit of grace and accept that this, and leaky boobs are my new norm.